~Oops. I’m frozen~

My mind owned me. I would trick my mind into thinking if I could do better in life I would make my parents proud.  That mindset, seeking approval from a loved one who has passed is destructive over time. You put your self in a position to be behind. For me it created such chaotic turmoil inside myself I would lose sleep, be depressed and drained.  I felt like I was letting my parents down, no matter if I was working or sitting on the couch.  This is part of grieving, being lethargic, unmotivated, questioning everything. For me it’s a feeling that has lasted for years.   Also I am not writing this piece to justify you on couch with no job and no money.  This is just about my experiences and the two biggest feelings I felt when this thought came into my head.

Your pride comes in and you feel this ‘you have to be more’ feeling.  This thought that you failed. You feel that you have been robbed the chance to show your loved one who you really were and what you can do.  There is this pressure to perform but not for your own needs.  It’s the need to please your passed loved one. It is a perpetual thought that churns in your head wearing you out.   You can convince yourself that you are a deadbeat and your parents are not proud because you feel you are under performing in life. I found this to be particularly true if I had a lazy day or doing something that didn’t benefit my life at all like wasting money on nonsense.

You could also be scared of change.  Continuing in a life that your loved ones aren’t around for is scary and sucks. It is a hard thought pushing forward in life with out your loved ones around you.  I felt a small part of me clung to the ‘now’ during my frozen state. Holding on I thought kept the sprit of a life my family was a part of alive.   The Feeling that you are not accomplishing anything in life is harmful and frustrating. You are using death as a motivator, a trick to reward yourself. Like telling yourself you are going to the gym after a big meal. {See link below*} A positive idea like moving forward slowly turns against you spinning into a negative idea {*http://toomuchtoosooncancer.com/2013/01/15/be-gentle-be-easy-be-free/}

You are not being honest with yourself or gentle on yourself.  You think that you have already let them down saying you want to make them proud. You are setting your goals around a false mindset that you must perform to this level or you are not successful and you’re loser. You could set them for a more practical level perhaps like your own goals.  You have to know you.  Be you and know that you made your parents proud.  And know you are going to make them and yourself proud.

To know your mind you must know you

~ Happy reading

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~Oops. I’m frozen~

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