~Put my lipstick on~

I asked my mom when she was two years into chemo. “Mom, how do you wake up, go to work and do everything you do while still going through chemo”

Her response was quick.  “Everyday I wake up, put my lipstick on and tackle the day”

Here is my mom and I on NYink on TLC.  I was getting a tattoo in honor of her strength, encouragement and spirit. ~ {special thanks to Megan Massacre for her art work and help}

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65pvD48xHTs …

I remember even before going into this shoot, I was nervous.  There were so many thoughts running through my head.  Thoughts about the future which I knew I couldn’t control.  I got so overwhelmed I almost called off shooting.  I was being superstitious; I was worrying me getting this tattoo will  mean she may pass away before the premiere.  I was stressing myself out over a wonderful chance to be remembered forever with my mom.  A chance to always see her if something happens; even my kids could watch that. With all these good reasons to do it, I focused in on the one negative thought.  Only one negative thought, if I don’t film this, she won’t go.  I thought I had found a loophole.  Even worse, I was allowing this crazy superstition to out weigh so many of the positives. I always found I would almost prefer to look at the negative side of things. I found being negative worked for me. It was an emotion I was familiar with.  I Know how I act when I am negative or feeling anxious. Though I actually had less control of me, there is a odd feeling of control when you mismanage your feelings and react negatively.  I was able to justify rash, perhaps poor decision rationally.  That wonderful chance was almost ruined because I was timid about committing to what the future may hold.  But In the end, as you have probably noticed, I did film.  It was the best choice of my life.  It took all my money for awhile and I ran late paying rent and bills and my eating schedule was a little off.  However, ignoring the anxiety about the future and what laid ahead. I choose to make a memory now, so I can also have a memory later.

Sometimes you have to not think of how you feel now, but think about your future self

~Happy reading

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