cancer blog

~Never have I ever~

It took me years to unravel and name what I was experiencing.  It was anger, depression, confusion all wrapped up together.  A melting pot of feelings that I didn’t’ put in the pot and I couldn’t figure out how to take them out.  I discovered that I had been feeling a fear of something.  An unknown crippling emotion, {one of the lines of vibrations on the Triangle of Vibrations} jealousy

Jealously plays into fear. I am not talking about romantic jealousy where you wonder if your other is cheating on you. I am talking about a different kind, one that is deeper rooted in you, wrapping around your insides and settling in.

Jealously can make you blood boil and heart race. A swirling of instant emotion you feel you can’t control. Imagine it like this, a train coming at you and you can’t move. You just stare straight ahead, frozen. So caught up in the idea of the train barreling at you, you forget you can jump off the track. Your common sense and rationality do jump, leaving you panicking, irrational and feeling alone.  The simplest option, to walk off the tracks seems impossible.

I would like you to write down some thoughts and feelings about the next few bullets listed below.

What are you jealous about?

-What you cant have?

-What you don’t have?

-What others are doing?

-Why you are not?

-People who have families?

-People who don’t love their family?

-Wasted opportunities?

What is jealously? Jealous about what you don’t have? Can’t experience? Can you not reach these experiences because you are closed minded and short sighted?  Is your jealously created by a social divide? Is it a superficial jealously? Are you staying in when you want to go out? Maybe you are jealous of kids with their family? Jealous of kids going out, partying? Jealous of those kids whom you think only worry about drinking and sex and living an easy lifestyle? Jealous that you drive a beat up car and if you only had a better car you would finally be happy?

Working as a waiter after my father died had its challenges at times. When a father and son would come eat I would breakdown.  I would remember all the times I had and all the times I will never be able to have.  A part of me was jealous at the son. He could just ask his dad to get lunch at any time, talk to his dad.  I wondered if he appreciated his company and if their relationship was strong. I would get angry if I didn’t see them talking. I would think I will do anything to just say one more word to him and they are not even talking. It was a overwhelming surge of emotions I couldn’t handle.  Even worse was how my crying made others around me uncomfortable which made me feel more damaged. Felt like I would be grieving forever and this was the new me. I did however enjoy the moments when a memory rushed back, made me happy that I at least had those memories to enjoy.

But how to stop thinking in that mindset you ask? You are already by starting to labeling what emotion your feeling. Embracing it and calling jealously what it is.  A preoccupation in your mind that you allow to be taken over by fear.  A fear of how you will feel, a fear of missing out on something or a fear that you will feel this strong feeling for the rest of your life.  I am asking you to acknowledge your fears and jealously. After that, this moment you are in will change. Now when it comes it won’t feel so overwhelming. You have now taught yourself how to acknowledge what you are feeling.  Now when I see a father son couple I smile, no longer allowing my emontions to confuse my fear and jealousy with happiness.

I fear that I will always fear.

~Happy reading

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