I can’t tell you how to say goodbye or lay your family to rest with peace and ease to clear your mind. I can’t put you on a 10-step program that will nurse you back to ‘yourself’. This is your new self, a new beginning, a sucky and awesome adventure that has already changed your path in life forever. Once you know that you can’t go back all you’re faced with is moving forward. It is up to you in the end when and how you move forward. An inch, a centimeter, a mile, a light-year. There is no timeframe for moving on just like there is no timeline for grieving You will know what to do when the time is right. Trust me. I am only telling you what I know from my experiences. When you are dealing with grieving and depression, it’s impossible to know what’s going on and even harder to picture yourself getting out of it. I have been suicidal, depressed, angry, just all around confused. I felt the added pressure of wondering if every step I made was the right choice. Grief is isolating, death is confusing and coping brings fear and uninvited change.
It is hard to see, but you are on a beautiful path. Not everybody experiences this pain so early in life. This pain and sorrow that torments you brings you to a different place. A place you didn’t ask to go, it’s not a place where you find yourself, it’s a place where you create yourself. You have the tools to create the road you choose to take, it is just getting you to know you do.
Some days you feel like quitting, giving up the fight, wondering why should I even continue. You can convince yourself your life has gone down the drain. Bury your face in the TV, video games, online shopping, smoking, drinking. In the end YOU know that doesn’t make you feel better. And its a vicious circle. The more you get down on yourself, the further and further you get away from yourself. But don’t swallow your sorrow and hide it or tuck it under your baseball cap. Write it out, get it out, talk it out. Your life has not fallen apart, it is just taking a detour while you look for the road. It’s only in your mind, you own your mind, it does not own you.
Here are some notes I found when I allowed fear to control my life. I was trying to understand what I was feeling, like I want you to do. Make an your eyes only list and write down what you think and feel when I say the words: “Love” “Money” “Sad” I choose these three words to write about that day because I was feeling jumbled and strong emotions when I thought of these topics. These topics made me fall even more into the venomous mindset that I was a failure who will never accomplish anything more than leaving an imprint of my butt in the couch.
What do I love? I love myself, life, family, friends, shoes, music, food, cheese, wine, laughing, women, instagram, I love feeling blue, I love feeling happy, I love the fact I know the difference between the two. I love love.
What does money mean to me? Success, pride, brag, excess, not happy, happy, need, spend, waste, careless, crazy, childish, useless, failure, don’t know what I am doing in life.
What makes me feel sad? Life, love, emotions, feelings, music, TV, movies, wasting money, wasting food, losing touch with people, losing touch because life got in the way, life when you have no control, losing control, being mean, yelling, crying, fear, happiness, so many things, trying to be happy, not having control, fear of dying unfulfilled, trying to find fulfillment, my unhappiness
I will not pick apart the meaning behind these, that was not the point to over think why I thought that. It is a exercise to get your mind thinking in a different light. A de-construction of your thoughts in the never ending journery to discovering what makes you tick. Knowing you so you can love and be gentle on yourself.
Fear, best served at room temperature
~ Happy reading