~Season of life~

I used to lose grasp on where I was going.  Tormented by how disoriented I felt, I would do something I call spiderwebbing.  I would think back to a part in my life, a mental starting line, for me it was when my father passed away.  I had to do something, I was losing touch with reality.  I was miserable, heart broken, crying all the time. My life in my eyes was crumbling apart and I was feeding the destruction of me because I worried about everything including how I thought I had no control.  I thought everything in my life was filled with turmoil and stress, that I induced.  I added extra pressure thinking I wanted to make my dad, my remaining family and myself proud. These stresses were enough to put me in the hospital.  It had been over a year since his death at the time and according to popular belief that was too long to still be grieving.

I started in bed, those sleepless nights where those evil thoughts you pushed away for a day, week however long slowly would creep back into your mind.  Like the boogeyman, as soon as the lights went out all the monsters would come for you.

I sat in bed, tracing where I had gone and done since the moment he passed.  Shocking myself, I had never focused my attention on the positive achievements in my life up til that moment.  This thinking casued me to look at my life from a different view.  I connected each moment like connecting the dots, this event lead to this and this event lead to that person and so on. I found out my life was more than just random encounters and experiences but was shaping me into who I was right than. How much life I had been exposed to impressed me.  Up til that moment, I never thought in terms of positive events.  Even getting up from bed and going to work was somewhere in my spider web.  To me, my confidence was high at times now, I experienced and mastered parts of life I never knew about.  I had discovered the truth in the most overused and cliché quote ever, ‘everything happens for reason’

Everybody says it whenever something really positive develops or something really naegative happens.

Through spider webbing I saw how I got to where I was.  This webbing lead me to more self confidence.  Sometimes that boost of confidence would last just a night, but that was OK, it put me to sleep. Through spider webbing I began to approach everyday differently.  I wanted to add more dots to connect, I felt so proud of myself once I focused my attention off all the have nots and negatives and honed in on the most important thing, me.   I was discovering my path had been unflolding in front of me, everything was happening for reason and I had been so one minded I never noticed.

Everything happens for a reason, trust me it really does. Happy/sad/angry/bad, it is just time that you have to wait on sometimes.  My parents had passed, first my father and my mother eight years later. Watching them fight was hard to do, but from my own  experience with my dads cancer I learned what to expect and know about myself for my mother.  Not saying it was a breeze, but being more aware of my surroundings and myself, like knowing how I reacted to a stressful situations helped me cope with my mom.  That example of everything happens for a reason took 5 years to figure out that I would call on that skill I mastered.   It is a sucky way to discover yourself, but spider webbing is a beautiful tool to use when you need a quick pick me up, direction or just so you can understand you are OK.

Next time you are in bed and can’t sleep think about what you have done since your desired starting line.  You can see how everything you have been doing is connected.

Connect with yourself

~Happy reading

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