You are on an unexpected journey, when you come back you will not be the same as when you started. While grieving you are in an endless battle with disorder in the pursuit to maintain order. That feeling of being confused, overwhelmed and vulnerable is disorder in your life. You just don’t feel like you. You feel fragile, ready to break and delicate and that feeling pisses you off too. You seek order but your confusion is capsuled by your disorientated emotion you throw around. Some people get angry, fall into deep depression, pretend to be happy, go out everyday not wanting to be alone, isolate themselves, binge eat, maybe everybody feels a little bit of all of this. These are examples of maintaining order in your life. These are habits you have used in the past to get you through a tough moment. The isolation, the anger, go out so you are not alone. It’s your defense mechanism so it’s only natural for you to revert back to them to assist you now while grieving. These are feelings you are experienced with and you know how you will react while in it. This is acting out in a way that you are in control. You become a caricature of yourself, playing up the raw feelings that shields you best from the world so you can try to keep order.
I feel that if you feel something you should stay in that moment. If you are mad stay mad, just know why you are there. Propel yourself deep into any emotion as long as you can understand where it came from and how it makes you feel. I want you to love you and know you. Understanding what makes you tick helps you to realize how you react and why. After you are done acting out you should write about how you felt while acting out? How you felt after? What lead to acting out? This process will slowly make your actions an emotion you have power over making you more aware of you.
I used to get angry, so angry veins would pop out from everywhere my body would go red and my blood would boil. I would also tire myself out. Tire myself out, make myself sick, loss my voice, work my whole body up. For what? I can’t remember any one particular moment that exploding helped solve or fix an issue. Everything around me was still there. I was still hurt, felt pain and now I had to add disappointed at myself onto my list. In moments after I would lash out I would get frustrated that I allowed me to go that far. I stopped getting angry over little things when I started to have physical side effects from the stress. I started to loss my hair, would get headaches and it was hard on me emotionally as well. Be disappointed at myself for exploding and never felt any better.
It also hurt me because it was the side I showed to others around me. Other people felt I was a loose cannon ready to snap at any second. I advertised my anger as my top quality. I thought I was tough, getting angry made me feel safe and comfortable. I thought I understood anger. It took me a long time to leave the comfort of my anger shell. I stopped when I was hurting myself from my anger and not enhancing my life.
It was a safety emotion, I understood it, it was not attractive but helped guide me through the initial ups and downs of worrying. Being able to get angry was something I thought I controlled. It was something I had to live through and experience for me to discover more of me, I have cooled my jets and live a more peaceful life. So embrace you, love you and understand you. I want to ask you what is your safety emotion? Does it help?
Anger was going to hurt me. I was going to hurt me.