~Beautiful Pain~

Beautiful things hurt too.  How often do you have a goal or major life achievement you dream about?  Have you ever actually got it?  How do you feel? Great? Not as good as you expected to?

Expectation is often meet with disappointment. Disappointment on how you expected to feel. Think of when you plan something far in advance. In your head you are telling yourself how it will look and feel. You gave so much thought into this one moment that when it comes you find it lacks the pizazz you hoped for.  While grieving you are always seeking approval wondering what your loved one would think of this moment.  Wonder how they would react. You set these milestones for your achievements as a goal that you are sure will make you feel better.  Grief markers you use in lieu of a days on a calendar.

You can convince yourself that if you reach that marker in life you will be all good.  Back to the old you, no more pain, grieving or sadness.  You reach for a place you are so sure will make you complete.  It may be getting a career, married, graduating from school, buying a car, learning to cook, anything.

You set these milestones for you to strive for. The problem is how you feel when you reach them.  It feels good, you fill fulfilled but there is a part of you that thinks this is not how it is supposed to be. You expected a switch to flip that would make you all better, make you happy, no more grieving, no more pain..  Your achievement brings a different kind of hurt you never planned on. You get tunnel vision and focus on who is not around to see this, not around to even hear of it, how it doesn’t feel like you expected. You tell yourself I would of never even tried for this moment if you knew it was  going to make me so sad.  I don’t want that pain to deter you from achieving what you want.

With the impact of losing somebody these special moments are tender.  Losing or dealing with a sick or loved one adds an extra amount of stress at this moment.  You tell yourself this is not how it should be.  You feel alone, empty and upset.  Your adrenaline makes your emotions range from extreme joy to being gloomy. The thought of celebrating hurts.

You view their sickness or death as a limitation on what you can do.  You think you are damaged and place yourself into the roll you think you fit in society, a damaged failure that won’t amount to anything. That is wrong.  You have been through such a coreguos moment that has made you creative and uniuqe. I want you to never stop fighting harder and wanting more.  Become thirsty for life.  Achieve those moments to prove you are not broken and you can make your name into whatever you want.  You are strong, you just have to know you are, believe in you.  Use death as a motivator. Realize this, you went through such a painful experience you can do anything.  You are who you are and you know what you want.

I struggled with the idea of celebrating after my father passed and my mother passed.  Big or small life victories would bring me emotional pain.  I would become frozen at times not wanting to move ahead because that would be one more step in life I felt like I was moving away from the life my family knew.  I remember when my brother had his first baby in the summer.  It was beautiful and also felt odd being in the hospital for an enjoyable occasion.  My stomach was still in knots because I knew this was not how this moment was supposed to go.  My brother and I not having parents here for this.  It also got me thinking of how every moment from now on my parents will not be there. I thought of all the times they already missed and what they will miss.  Thinking that I thought what’s the point in doing anything to further my life? Why even try?  This was a short lived thought, but it has a way of creeping back in at times and setting up shop in my mind.  To stop thinking like this I would think that my parents would not want me to waste my breathes in life not making the most of it.  I started to understand me not moving forward to moments of celebration would hurt my parents, they would be heartbroken to think they caused this fear.  So now, like clockwork whenever I achieve a moment of celebration I know I will cry, I know my body will tingle with excitement, I will feel pride of what I accomplished.  I will know I am doing what they would want.

Those moments in life that are huge and life changing are so beautiful but painful.  I just want you to know that you should not stop pushing for the stars.  I know not having somebody around hurts and sucks, but know they would want more and you should want more.  You should do things because you want to make you proud. Your loved ones have blessed you and put you on a road to get to this point.

Life doesn’t go as planned, ain’t that beautiful

~Happy reading

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