Crying in front of others is a good way to test the boundaries of a relationship. It is a good marker to see who really cares about you. When people catch you crying they may handle it oddly. They may think you are a little loco now, somebody with issues. Many people think crying should be done in a dark corner in a dark room alone. Others are proud and think they are stronger because they don’t cry. Why is that?
Crying can make people feel uncomfortable. Makes your pain feel real, almost tangible. Such a strong emotion can scare people, hell crying can scare yourself too! It might remind people of an emotion they experienced and they don’t like brought up. To you in your mind it makes you look weak. You think it’s embarrassing to cry. For any amount of reasons crying is not acceptable as a norm.
You don’t cry in front of others to keep the status quo of your surroundings. It’s heavily regarded as a taboo emotion to show. So to make those you keep around you comfortable with you, bothering with you, you don’t cry. If those around you can’t handle it, those are surface relationships. You stay your one dimensional self, the one the people know and enjoy. You need to find people who love all your dimensions, but I think you know that, it’s doing it that is the hardest part.
I feel the world is made up of surface relationships. Groups of people who are not real to themselves. They hang out with like minded people who show little raw emotion. That is a one dimension relationship. They know enough to hold conversations and reply in a bland fashion that lacks much emotion. But when you are young, grieving and influenced by your surroundings, being one dimension is the only thing you can do. I remember vividly the days of walking into my college classes freshman year wearing sunglasses. How embarrassing! I had to hide the tears to feel like I fit in. I was not doing well at that, my face was red and I had rivers drying up on my face. My sunglasses were my mask to hide me from the world so I can fit in and survive. I thought it would be the end of me if I got caught crying. I was frozen with fear and filled with anxiety at the thought of my peers see me cry. It took me along time to find out who really sticks around in your life. I have learned people come, people go. It’s painful to see people go sometimes, but you have to make those around you compliment and enhance you. It’s been said that you are the average of the 5 people you hang around most with. So think, you are a mix of all your close friends, do they care about you?
I have no helpful tool to tell you to try, all i know is that you have to show people all your sides. So many people try to maintain the status quo of society to make it a well oiled machine. Make life something of reality show, putting on a show that they want you to see. Perhaps to make you feel worse for feeling. You are stronger for letting it go, showing people you are brave enough to feel something so intense as feelings. Love yourself, if you don’t, who will?
Do not be worried about shaking up situations and seeing who sticks around.
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